Why Emotional Regulation Isn’t Realistic for Kids and How Art Therapy Can Help

The most common reason caregivers come to me is for support with children’s "emotional regulation." But where did this concept even come from, and why is it such a common expectation for children?

"Emotional regulation" implies children should "manage" their big feelings. There is so much that is problematic with this idea, but let's just look at it from a brain development point of view:

Children’s brains are wired for growth and connection, not for the mastery of emotion.

The limbic system, which drives emotional responses, is active and develops first. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation, doesn’t fully mature until the mid-20s!

This means that the emotional regulation we often expect from children is far beyond their developmental reach. What they’re actually learning is not how to "regulate" emotions but how to mask, suppress, distract, and perform—coping strategies they adopt to preserve attachment and survive.

So why do we push for emotional regulation? Is it truly about emotional literacy and well-being, or is it rooted in capitalistic systems that prioritize productivity and compliance? Is it about supporting children in their feelings or about our feelings around comfort, convenience, and control?

Instead of striving for "calm" (often a polite word for control), what if we shifted the focus to healthy expression and release of feelings?

This is where art therapy becomes a powerful ally. Art therapy offers children a safe, non-judgmental space to process their feelings without pressure to be calm or controlled. Through creative expression, children can release emotions in ways that feel natural to them—whether through painting, drawing, sculpture, or other forms of art. This process not only supports brain and nervous system development but also fosters self-worth, identity, and a deeper connection to self and others.

Everyone deserves a space where their emotions can flow freely, without judgment or restraint, in ways that don’t cause harm to themselves, others, or the environment. Art therapy provides that space—a place where messy, beautiful human emotions are welcomed and honored.