A Valentines Gift for the Feminine (within & without): Discernment

From the time we are little, many of us are taught to be nice. To be agreeable, accommodating, and easy to be around. We are praised for being calm, for smoothing things over, for not making others uncomfortable. And often, this starts with learning to do the emotional labor of those around us—holding space for caregivers who don’t know how to hold their own big feelings, learning to caretake others, and making ourselves small to keep the peace.

But nice and kind are not the same.

Niceness is about avoiding discomfort. Kindness is about truth, about holding our own boundaries with as much care as we hold others. Kindness is not about self-sacrifice—it is about honoring what is real. And sometimes, that means being not nice.

Calm is another thing we are often asked to be. But calm is not true regulation, sometimes it is a forced stillness, a learned response to keep us safe. And when anger arises, it can feel like a betrayal of all we were taught to be. But anger is not the enemy. It is a call toward what needs tending, an energy that protects, clears, and awakens. It's the voice within that says 'no', 'leave', ‘run’.

When these things—authentic kindness, true emotional regulation, and boundaries—are not modeled for us in childhood, we often learn to over-function in relationships, taking responsibility for the emotions of others before we’ve even had a chance to know our own. We learn that love is something to be earned through emotional labor, that safety comes from making ourselves smaller, and that our value is measured by how much comfort we can provide to those around us.

This conditioning can lead to a range of challenges:

• Distrusting Our Instincts: Without healthy emotional boundaries, we may struggle to trust our own instincts, especially in unsafe situations. This can leave us vulnerable, as we might prioritize others' feelings over our own safety.

• Misinterpreting Harmful Behaviors: We might adopt beliefs that minimize mistreatment, such as thinking that if someone is unkind or aggressive, it's a sign of affection, or excusing their behavior by considering what they might be going through at home.

• Autoimmune Conditions: Chronic people-pleasing and self-neglect can lead to prolonged stress, which has been linked to the development of autoimmune disorders. The constant suppression of one's own needs and emotions can weaken the immune system, increasing susceptibility to illness.

• Lack of Discernment: Without models of healthy boundaries, we may struggle with discernment, finding it difficult to distinguish between supportive and harmful relationships. This can lead to repeated patterns of unhealthy attachments and a diminished sense of self.

The work is not to reject our softness—it is to reclaim the fullness of who we are. To know that kindness can hold firm boundaries, that calm does not mean silent, and that our feelings are not too much. Our worth was never in how well we made others comfortable.

We do not have to carry what was never ours to hold.
We do not have to make ourselves small in order to be good.